


Grin, just bear it

by Syn (AShadowsKiss)



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Aftermath, Angst, Character Study, Gen, Season 3a, Sort of at least
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-03
Updated: 2013-11-03
Packaged: 2017-12-31 07:50:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,998
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1029143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AShadowsKiss/pseuds/Syn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Just one more year, one more year until he's gone from everything Peter, Matt, Gerard, the Alpha pack and the Darach did. Just one more year he has to deal with feeling like this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Grin, just bear it

**Author's Note:**

> This is sort of a Character Study I guess? I just sorta started writing and this came out, about Stiles and the effects the Nemeton has on him, how the things that happened on the show since day one have changed him, kind of.   
> Disclaimer: don't own, don't know.

After everything goes down with the Nemeton, after Derek leaves, after Beacon Hills goes sort of quiet again, Stiles starts seeing dead people.   
He sees his mom, and Tara, and Heather, and Erica and Boyd. And maybe he even sees Laura sometimes, the way he pictures her at least, not the way he found her that one time, buried in the backyard like a dog, like a pet. He mostly sees them how he remembers them, from when they were alive. He sees his mom the way she was a couple of days before she died. Ridiculously thin yet bloated. Her skin pale enough it's almost see through. He sees Tara and Heather the way he imagines them to have looked second before they died. Angry and scared. Tied down and tied up and feeling their deaths nearing. He sees Erica the way he saw her before she was turned. Pale and breakable and shaking a lot. Her hair messy and circles under her eyes. He sees Boyd the way he was, laying on the floor of Dereks loft. Blood floating around him in the water and two holes in his chest.   
He remembers them and he sees them everywhere, looking their most vulnerable, their most breakable. He sees them as broken dolls whose strings got cut and now they're lying rumpled on the floor with no where to go.   
Sometimes he even sees Matt, looking like a drowned corpse and mostly just kind of floating upright in the corner of his eye. Sometimes he sees Jackson, half shifted into his Kanima form and nearly killing himself with his own claws.   
And sometimes he even sees Gerard Argent, even though the guy's not dead. Or Kate Argent, who luckily is dead. Or so he hopes. He's heard Allison say she had dreams about Kate. About Kate coming back, but Stiles can't deal with that so she has to be dead. He remembers Peter gloating about the way he killed her. Though Stiles doesn't agree with him, he could have, should have even, killed her worse. Made her suffer. The way he just ripped her throat out, didn't seem right. Seemed like such an easy way to go for someone like her, someone who deserved to suffer.   
And sometimes Stiles sees Jennifer Blake. Or Kali. Or Ennis. Or Deucalion. And they're just, sort of standing there. In the middle of the crowd. Like that one scene in Harry Potter where Harry can see Voldemort standing, is looking straight at him, in a crowd full of people and no one seems to notice. And Stiles, he just wants to scream because why is no one doing anything? Why is no one stopping these people? Can't they see Deucalions Alpha eyes? Or Kali's or Ennis' claws? Can't they see the way Jennifer is switching between her Darach, her real form and her human form? Can't they see the way Kate is playing with her lighter? Can't they see the way Gerard is holding that cane like it's a sword? Can no one see the blood dripping of their hands? 

Drip drop, drip drop, drip drop.

And Stiles, Stiles can feel every drop of blood that hits the ground shake his bones. Spread the darkness around his heart just a little bit further like and ink stain on white paper.   
But besides the dead people, and the not so dead people. Besides all the people that aren't dead but he keeps seeing anyway, even though no one else seems to be able too, there's also the fact that he's hallucinating. Or having visions. Or dreams. He doesn't know what to call them, but he, he's having them regardless.  
Visions or dreams of people staring at him, trying to tell him something using sign language. People writing entire stories for him to read but when he tries it's just gibberish. Nothing makes sense anymore. And sometimes when someone talks to him he doesn't hear what they're saying, even though they're not dreams or visions or hallucinations. And it's not like he can't hear anymore, he just doesn't hear English anymore. The sound that come closest to what he does hear in moments like that is the combinations of the sounds of when someone drops a glass and it breaks and the sound of someone scratching their nails down a chalkboard.   
Sometimes he can feel liquid dripping out of his ears when that happens and he knows it's blood. Can feel it in the way it crawls down his face. Can smell it. Can even hear it in the sound it makes as it drops onto the table. But when he reaches up to wipe the stain away there's nothing there.

Stiles is pretty sure he's losing his shit and he doesn't know who to turn too.  
He doesn't want to freak out his dad anymore than he already has. 

His dad. Hid dad who is working overtime, still trying to figure out a cover for all the people the Darach killed. Trying to compensate for all the men and women he lost when Matt let Jackson the Kanima loose in the station.   
His dad, whom is insanely worried about more werewolves coming into their lives. Who sat down with Chris Argent and told him in no uncertain terms that if he ever made another attempt on the lives of anyone involved in the pack, with exclusion of Peter, he'd personally kill him, and also? Hand over some of those wolfsbane bullets while you're at it because they might be useful.  
His dad, who wanted to send Stiles to live with his great aunt in Texas.   
His dad, who still doesn't know everything because Stiles can't bear the thought of his dad knowing the way Peter almost killed him that night in the school. How Peter almost killed and/or turned him that night of the winter formal. How Stiles basically betrayed everyone he cared about, Scott, Mrs. McCall, Lydia, his own father, just because he was scared.   
He doesn't want his dad to know how close Jackson as the Kanima came to killing him way back when, when he was waiting for the mechanic to fix his Jeep. How close Scott cut it with rescuing him and Derek from the pool and how Stiles almost drowned that night because he simply couldn't hold on any longer, no matter how hard he tried. And he still has nightmares, if he's being honest. Of letting go, of Scott not getting there in time, of not being able to pull Derek back up. Not because he's afraid of water now, or afraid of drowning or afraid of dying for that matter. But because he almost let someone die, simply because he wasn't strong enough. He doesn't want his dad to know how close they cut it that night in the police station.   
How Gerard almost broke him when he dragged him of the lacrosse field and then proceeded to beat him up in front of Erica and Boyd just as a message. How Gerards treatment meant that when he slammed his beloved Jeep through the wall to save Jackson a little while later he wasn't wearing his seatbelt because he wouldn't mind hitting his head and not waking up again.   
He doesn't want his dad to know how much the Darach and the Alpha pack freaked him out. How scared he was all the time and how certain he was that he wouldn't make it out alive. How he would have readily sacrificed his own life to save someone else's, how in the end that's exactly what he did. He doesn't want his dad to know about the game of hide and seek they played in the hospital with the Alpha pack. How Scott almost killed himself. How Stiles almost died trying to save one of the Alpha twins. How Boyd tried to drown himself. How Peter was constantly lurking along the edges, slowly but surely pushing them slowly in the somewhat right direction.

No, he doesn't want his dead to have anything else to do with this, with this supernatural world. He won't tell his dad about the dead people, about the silent people, about the screeching people. He won't tell his dad anything.

He won't tell Scott either. Scott, who's freaking out about being an Alpha to an actual pack now. Who has the Alpha twins surrendering to him. Who has Isaac to pull back together, his father to deal with, his mother to protect, Allison to get over. 

So no, Stiles won't tell his dad, not Scott. And with that his options are basically gone.

He doesn't really have any sort of bond with Isaac. He likes the guy just fine but talking to him is not something he wants to do. He won't talk to Allison either, because he actually doesn't care for her right now. He's not sure why, but he feels like he can't trust her anymore. It probably has something to do with the way Kate Argent seems to be floating around Allisons shoulder these days. Dragging her fingers through Allisons hair and smirking the way she did when he went to look at her body. Her throat a giant bleeding and dripping wound.

He feels like he should tell Derek, like Derek would be able to understand. How he could say something about broken boys sticking together and how Derek would snort and that and tell Stiles to get over himself. That he might have been beaten down but he's not broken, not yet. Something about how, you want to know broken? Try having your first love, your first kiss, your first relationship, your first everything burn your house down and kill your entire family. Try having a woman who claims to be some sort of messed up combination of her past self, the Nemeton and your first crush. Your first crush, whom you killed because your uncle thought it'd be a great idea to have her turned into a werewolf so she wouldn't leave you. Try losing everything and everyone you hold dear. Then we can talk about broken.  
And Stiles could snarl back. About how he's sure his mom died because of him. How he's sure his dad is dying because of him. How everything bad that has happened in Beacon Hills since Laura's death is probably his fault because he took Scott out to look for a body in the woods. How he'd betrayed his friends and let them be hurt. How worthless he was when everything came down to it. How he'd contemplated suicide for all of five fucking minutes because chickening out. How he keeps seeing dead people, staring at him and blaming him for their deaths. How he keeps seeing their enemies, blood dripping of their hands and thanking him for all he's done for them with their crooked grins and filthy smirks.

But he won't bother Derek. He won't bother his dad, he won't bother Scott, he won't bother anyone with his issues. He'll do what he has been doing since the day his mother got diagnosed. He'll keep it all inside and deal with it himself. He's just one year away from college, one year away from leaving Beacon Hills, from leaving the Nemeton.   
He's sure that distance will make the supernatural's hold on him lessen. He's sure that he'll be able to breath again, to walk without checking every other shadow for an evil creature lurking around the corner. He might even stop seeing people. Stop seeing everyone he lost that he cared about. Stop seeing all the people who frighten him. Maybe he'll stop flinching at every unexpected movement. Maybe loud noises will stop giving him panic attacks. Maybe flashing lights won't bring back memories of cold damp basements and old but strong hands.

Just one more year. Until then, he'll just grin and bear it. And support Scott and Allison as they're dealing with the Nemetons effect.


End file.
